83-year old Nwanyidinma looked disconsolate as she sat in
front of her thatched, mud house. There was no one to keep her company
apart from her little ‘bingo’ dog and a host of chicken strolling round
her premises. Occasionally, she used the horsetail in her hands to chase
the dog away from the chicken.
In the
animal world, it would not be out of place to conclude that the animals
were playing hide and seek in this peaceful environment. That, however,
is not for Nwanyidinma.
The weather was cool and
breezy and so she was just out there watching the movement of the leafy
orange trees and palm trees in her neighbourhood.
Beyond
this natural scene, Nwanyidinma has a heavy heart. Not that she has
lost anybody in recent times, but she has a bigger burden occupying her
inner recess as she watches the dog, the chicken and the trees.
But
Nwanyidinma’s three remaining children (all females) and those close to
the octogenarian know too well her challenge. Her bigger headache
borders on what happens to her late husband’s property if she passes on.
Her husband had died several years ago. Her only son had also passed
on. In fact, her son died in his early 20s; unmarried.
As
the tradition in her Mbaise community demands, women have no right to
inheritance of property, especially landed property. And here lies the
octogenarian’s headache. Her three daughters are living happily with
their husbands and children.
So who takes over all
her husband’s landed property? Who takes over the pear trees, palm trees
and other natural inheritance belonging to her husband? Will her
husband’s brothers/relations inherit all the wealth and property, things
she and her husband laboured strenuously to acquire?
By
the way, before her husband died, there was an estranged relationship
between him and his brothers, an action that further severed their
relationship. Will these ‘enemies’, as it were, now take over all the
wealth?
For Nwanyidinma, this dilemma, more than
any other thing, occupied her mind. However, from a neighbouring
village, information has it that a young unmarried girl had been
impregnated. The person who she claimed got her pregnant had denied
paternity and her parents were on the verge of disowning her for
‘shaming’ them.
So as the octogenarian relaxed in
front of her house, she was thinking of how she would send a delegation
to the young girl’s family to seek her hand in marriage. If the girl’s
family agreed, she would bring her and her unborn child to her home. The
overall game plan is perhaps that if she puts to bed and the child is a
boy, he will naturally belong to the family.
Few
weeks later, Nwanyidinma did just that. She went and married the
pregnant young lady, whose unborn child, she believed, would
automatically become her grandchild and a bona fide heir of her
property.
Indeed, there are so many likes of
Nwanyidinma in some Igbo communities, especially in Mbaise, who ‘marry’
other women in order to have male children in their homes.
These
‘female husbands’ as they are known, are practising a tradition that is
long accepted in the communities and which has gone a long way to solve
a need, a need to perpetuate a family name.
Charity
Igbokwe, from Ahiazu Mbaise is another typical example of a ‘female
husband’. The 68-year-old widow had an only son, Donald Igbokwe, who had
died in an accident over 30 years ago. He was unmarried.
But
Donald’s name has not gone into extinct. His aged mother made sure she
married a woman for him ten years ago and the young lady has had four
children –three boys and a girl- for the deceased.
Igbokwe,
while speaking to our correspondent, said it was necessary she married a
woman for her late child in order to keep his name alive.
“What
I did was just the normal thing anybody in my place would do. My child
died tragically. He was my only son. My husband had died many years ago.
So I had to marry a woman for my late son. My son’s wife now has four
children. The children of course, answer Donald’s name.”
Social but not sexual marriage
Granted,
in Igbo land, marriage is basically between a man and woman. However,
there are cases where marriage between a woman and another woman is
permissible.
It is important to note at this point
that in this case, it is not in any way, lesbian marriage even though it
is same gender marriage. The marriage is traditionally and socially
acceptable but it is not sexual. There is certainly no sexual attraction
between the ‘female husband’ and the person being married for either
late husband or son, as the case may be.
Explaining
more on this issue, a community leader in Onicha, a community in
Ezinihitte Mbaise, Nze Ebere Iwuagwu, told Saturday Punch, that the
females in question do not really go to a lady’s family and seek her
hand in marriage.
However, he said, the woman goes
out, looks for the wife, makes the necessary enquiry about the person
and then provides the bride price and other necessary stuff required for
the marriage to hold.
Iwuagwu said the female
husbands are always accompanied by male relatives who would be the ones
to actually ask for the lady’s hand in marriage from her family.
“In
our community, women don’t really ask for the hands of the women in
marriage, traditionally. But everybody knows the new wife belongs to the
female husbands, but during the course of marriage rites, the ‘female
husband’ stays at the background.
“In
a case where the woman’s husband is dead, then her late husband’s male
relatives will accompany her and would even be the one to marry the wife
in his name. A woman can’t just get up and go to a family and say she
wants to marry another woman from that family, it is not done! However,
after the marriage ceremony, when they get home, everybody knows that
the new wife is the ‘property’ of the aged woman and she would live in
her domain,” he said.
Iwuagwu said this
tradition which is almost as old as forever, has become the norm and
both parties – the female husband and the wife- are not stigmatised in
any way.”
‘Why we marry wives into our homes’
Most
of the women who marry wives are usually elderly and have passed the
age of child bearing. In most cases, the woman may have been childless
or had just female children. The women just want heirs who would take
over their property and wealth when they are gone.
Explaining
why she had to marry a wife for her late husband, 70-year-old Adanma
Ikem from Ezinihitte Mbaise, said she had had four children, two males,
but her sons had died tragically even before they could get married.
“Two
of my sons died when they were in their 20s. Their death was so
painful. I cried my heart out. I cried not only because I lost my
children, of course, it was a painful experience, but I cried because I
just thought of how my husband’s name would just die like that. Who
would perpetuate the name? Our lineage would just be forgotten. My
husband had died earlier on. My daughters had married. So I was left
with no other choice.
“I went to
a neighbouring village and I was lucky, I found a girl who was pregnant
and she was willing to be a part of my family. I and my relatives went
and paid her bride price. She has been living with me for many years now
and she has five children, three boys. The children are mine now and at
least, our family name will not just die like that,” she said.
In
other scenario, a woman who didn’t have a son could actually ‘marry’ a
wife for her ‘fictitious’ son for the same reason as procreation.
Madam
Angela Ugwuani, 75, is one of such women who didn’t want her family
name to go into extinction. Ugwuani who had five daughters, didn’t marry
the young wife for her husband, rather, she got a wife for a son she
never really had.
“I didn’t have a male child. I
know that. But I still couldn’t allow my family name to die. Somebody
told me about this girl who just had an unwanted pregnancy and I
enquired about her. I and my husband’s relatives married her under our
native law,” she said.
Ugwuani’s case is
similar to that of 62-year-old Sabina Njoku, a retired primary school
teacher. In Njoku’s case, she is childless and she needed her home to be
alive with children.
“I wasn’t blessed with a
child in my marriage and back then, adopting a child wasn’t fashionable.
In fact, in my village, it was more acceptable to go and marry a wife
that would have children for you than to even adopt a baby. So, I had to
(with my husband’s relatives of course) marry a wife into my husband’s
home. She has been delivered of so many children,” she said.
Biological fathers just ‘sperm donors’
Interestingly,
even after the woman (new wife) starts procreating and giving births to
children, the kids would automatically bear her surname (expectedly,
she would have changed her maiden name to that of the family that
married her) regardless of who the biological father of the
child/children may be.
Nobody actually remembers
the biological fathers of these children. In fact, they could best be
described as sperm donors; they certainly do not have any other
responsibility on the woman or the child she eventually gives birth to.
Iwuagwu
explained that there will never be any point where the man would come
out and claim he is the father of any of the children the woman
eventually gives birth to.
“It is never done!
The man doesn’t come into the picture at all. There is no way the man
would come out and claim paternity of the children. Nobody will even
listen to him. He doesn’t have any parental right to the children. The
children conceived in this kind of arrangement would bear the late man’s
name even if their biological father does exist.
“Even
if the children become governors or presidents tomorrow, their
biological father can never come out to claim them as his. There is
nothing like paternity test. Don’t be surprised, the woman may not
necessarily inform the man about her pregnancy. Even if the child ends
up having a striking resemblance with the biological father, nobody
would relate them openly in any way,” he said.
Saturday
Punch findings revealed that most of the men who impregnate these women
are usually married men who wouldn’t want to expose their escapades.
“The
woman can even go as far as sleeping with men from neighbouring
village. Smarter ones go far away to have relationships and consequent
pregnancies. But then, in all, both parties know the reason for the
relationship. The man will not come to claim the child and the woman
will not go to him for any financial help towards raising the child,” said Uduma Ike, a village head in a community in Aboh Mbaise.
Ike also said that the ‘female husband’ takes care of the children and sees to their financial needs.
“It
is the female husband who is now the head of the home that takes care
of the wife and the children that she will have in that family. Nobody
expects the biological fathers of the children to contribute to their
welfare. Even if the fathers would help, they wouldn’t do so openly. If
the child is sick, there is no way the woman will take the child to the
man and ask for money for hospital bills even if he was the one that got
her pregnant. She dared not even tell anybody in the village that it
was this or that man that got her pregnant,” Ikem said.
‘We are married women in every sense’
Cynthia
Obiajulu, (not real names) 26, got married five years ago, to a man she
never met or heard of. Her supposed husband had died so many years ago
and his wife, Udoka, who didn’t have any male child, had married her
into the family.
Obiajulu, who now has three kids,
all boys, refused to tell our correspondent who the biological father of
her kids is but insisted that she is ‘legally’ married.
“I
don’t think it is proper to ask me who the father of my children is. It
is private. But the truth of the matter is that I am a married woman
and my husband is late. Whether my late husband is the father of my
children, it is not anybody’s business. But my children are answering
their father’s name and nobody would claim that he fathered them; that
is absurd.”
Obiajulu, who said she
has a fantastic relationship with her older co wife and the person who
‘married’ her, said she also has strong respect for her.
“She
is my mother. My children call her ‘Mama’. They regard her as the
mother and not grandmother. My kids even see me as a big sister and not
their mother. I have a great relationship with mama. It was through her
that I came to live here.
“Even
though I am traditionally married into this home, I have my place. I
don’t disrespect mama. We don’t have equal rights in this house. She is
my benefactor and she would be the one that takes care of us,” she said.
Uchechi
Eziudo, from Ahiara Mbaise is another example of a woman married to a
‘female husband’. Eziudo, in her early 30s, said she was raped at an
early age of seventeen and she got pregnant thereafter.
“Nobody
could touch me with a long spoon. Nobody wanted to have anything to do
with me. Even my parents were so embarrassed of me as if I wanted or
enjoyed to be raped.
“So when
this family from a neighbouring community came to marry me for an aged
man who was more than 60 years older than me, I had to accept. It wasn’t
as if I jumped at it but I had no choice.
“It
was actually his wife who initiated the plans of bringing another wife
to the family since she was childless and since the man was very old.
She wanted somebody who would have kids so that the family name would
not die.
“Our husband died just
two years after I was married. But I have had four kids since then.
Nobody worries me or asks me who got me pregnant each time. I am a
married woman and nobody feels I am doing anything morally wrong,” she said.
No stigma attached
As
much as some people may feel it is adultery/ fornication, but in these
communities, it is not regarded as such! There is no way the offspring
that come from this arrangement would be seen as bastards.
Mrs.
Edith Azuka, a native of Aumuariam, Obowo, in a chat with Saturday
Punch on the issue, said there is no Igbo man that would find such a
union distasteful.
“I doubt if there is anybody
that would condemn this act. It has been traditionally and socially
accepted in these communities. There is nothing wrong with it. It
doesn’t make the women less moral. It doesn’t mean they are prostitutes.
The children conceived in this process are not bastards and nobody
would dare to ask them ‘who is your father?’ Of course, we all know that
question is the highest insult you can give to any Igbo man or woman.”
‘I am not a bastard, I know my father’
Because
of its sensitive nature, getting children conceived in such arrangement
to open up was not so easy as most of them threatened to deal with our
correspondent for asking such question.
Ebenezer
Azu, (not real name), a third year student of Imo State University, who
decided to talk to our correspondent after being promised that his
identity would be protected, said he knew about his history but doesn’t
have the powers to do anything about it.
“I am
not stupid. When I became an adult, I learnt my father had died so many
years ago, even before I was born. Curiosity made me to ask questions. I
asked and persisted before my mother had to open up to tell me the
whole story.
“She refused to
tell me who my biological father is. But then, I will not call myself a
bastard. I know my father. He is late. Even though I never met him, I
still believe he was my father. I cannot allow myself to worry over
things and circumstances that are beyond my powers. Since nobody has
tried to insult me, there is no reason for me to feel bad about it,” he said.
Also,
a lawyer, Ndidi Osigwe (not real names) said she found out much later
in life about her history but still believes that she has one father and
not even the person whose genes she carries.
“Our
mother had five of us. It got to a stage when I was much older, I had
to wonder why most of us don’t look like her or like the picture of the
person they said was our father. It aroused my curiosity and I had to
ask my grandma who I am close to. She was the one that told me the
circumstances surrounding our birth. I am not worried. All I know is
that I have a father, I cannot say that I am a bastard, never!”
From a sociologist point of view
Giving
more insight on same gender marriage, a sociologist, Mr. Monday
Ahibogwu, said the issue is a prevalent one and has been in practice for
a long time.
“It has been there and there are
some reasons for this. If the man in the family is not mentally balanced
and he is the only progenitor in that family, a woman in the family can
decide to marry a wife on behalf of their brother who is deranged. The
new wife would be excused to have male friends who would get her
pregnant and then, her children will still bear the name of the man who
is not mentally balanced. This is culturally acceptable.
“Also,
in a family where all the children are females and they are all grown
up and married, one of them can decide to marry a wife in their late
father’s name. The sons the woman will have will be for her father. She
has her own children but she marries a wife for her father in order to
be children in her father’s house.
“Then
again, there are also women who marry wives for their husbands because
they couldn’t conceive. These are the reasons why some of these things
happen. Anibogwu reiterated that children conceived in such arrangement are usually not stigmatised.
“You
cannot stigmatise them; it is even forbidden to stigmatise them. You
may even be ostracised by the community if you try to stigmatise them.
They are part and parcel of the community. The reason they are brought
into this world was to fill a gap. If a child feels bad that he is
conceived in such arrangement, then that is his personal feeling and not
the feeling of the society.”
Anibogwu also added there is no way the biological father would try to claim the children.
“Remember,
in Igbo land, if you have not paid the bride price of a woman and she
has kids for you, no matter what, the children belong to her family and
not yours. You are just a sperm donor. Unless the bride price has been
paid, the children belong legally and culturally to her parents.
“If
a widow has sexual relationship and she gets pregnant in the process,
the children still remain those of the dead and have the same
inheritance. The person who got her pregnant cannot come to claim them.”
While
agreeing that the children may not have the same characters especially
if the woman gets pregnant for different men, Anibogwu said usually,
characters of children are determined by the way they are brought up.
“The
children may not have the same character because of their DNA but don’t
forget that most times, character is usually a product of upbringing
and not necessarily DNA.”
Culled from: The Punch
No comments:
Post a Comment